It Has Been A While...

It's been a while. I have been busy, I have been flustered, and generally in a shitty state of being. I have a few things going on in my life that are well and good, but for the most part my life seems to be a wonderful jumbled mess of disarray and craziness. In general, the guy who was a sports nut his whole life and took more steps to stay in some type of shape (beyond smoking that is) than about 90% of the people in his age group... Yeah me, I am falling apart. I hurt like and old bitch. I am angry, I am sad, I feel 70. I had Cervical Spinal surgery last year. Yes, I had become paralyzed in my left arm with serious pain. It was unreal, and I have been through several surgical knives in my life. Well, long story short on that one, I had a C-4 through C-7 fusion. I came out well, I felt better. I knew there was going to be some type of permanent nerve damage as the doctor had told me, and I feel as though I am wearing a glove. Well, 1st month X-Rays, all is well, everything is set up the way it should be. Start Physical Therapy. I did, I did nothing more than I was told to do in PT. I pushed in PT, but was in no way harsh on my body. Suddenly... Migraines, Neck and shoulder spasms 24/7, PAIN,,, fucking constant pain. The type of pain that makes you want to stay in doors because you know if you deal with the general public very much you will snap at them, your family or anyone else who gets near you while in such a mode. It sucks, I hurt. Now I have a 1 of my screws hanging about half way out. I have troubles swallowing, drinking water etc... I am a general mess.

Then I continually watch how Republicans have blocked the whole Government from moving while they vote over and over again to repeal something the American people overwhelmingly want to see happen like OBAMACARE. Just like Marijuana legalization and taxation. Much like easing up on those who have already made it over  the border, teaching them and getting them assimilated ASAP.

What has happened to us as a nation when it is OK in someones eyes to tell a woman what she can and can't do with her own body based on another persons Religious views? When did it become "just fine" to votes against women's healthcare and have laws imposed by legislatures that are well over 90% male in total? When did my clock "Fall Back" to 1890? Why is Gerrymandering still allowed? Who IS voting for the Eric Cantor's of the world? Why does the richest nation in the world only lead in prisons, infant deaths and evolution questioners? Did a Black child who is near the same age and I am sure no more shady than some of my own have to die? Did a short man with a wanna be cop complex have to get out of his car and follow him? Did the boy who had Skittles and Tea need to die even if he threw punches at an unidentified man following him in the late dusk hours of evening? Is it OK for Militias to take over towns in States across this nation? Is Mark Kessler crazy and out of touch? Do more White People than will admit they feel exactly like him still hide in the shadows waiting to let out that hiding little bad guy? Do tough guys really need machine guns shooting at hillsides to prove they will stand up to "tyranny"? Would that make him tough because he can pull the trigger, or a pussy because he did? Does he have a free speech right to threaten and make intimidating speech toward political figures? Is everything truly Barack Obama's fault? I am SAD. I see all of these things, and I hurt, I hut for the fact we let ignorance of silly things separate us, we the people who used to work as a group to get things done and make things happen. Tell me something good folks, it has been a while, and I am about to start a new adventure that will have me posting a lot of writing and I am scared...lol More on that later. :)  (THIS IS A LATE NIGHT RAMBLING RANT, SORRY FOR TYPOS ETC...)

TED CRUZ SUCKS

We cry about rights.LOL Ted Cruz was all about "Constitutional Rights" in his recent argument with Dianne Feinstein, and how they may not be infringed upon... Ted thought he was quick, and I almost cried because the first thing that came to my very limited grey matter were these answers as he was asking the questions:
1st amendment: when was the last time you got over 100 people together in any city without a PERMIT? Which is a limitation of my right to peaceably assemble. No I am not allowed to scream "fire" in a dark theater. The Scopes trial has been done for a while somewhat setting precedent for separating church and state at least educationally.

4th Amendment: Ted, did you vote for or against the Patriot Act? Do you agree with it or not? Please, you are really going to go there coming from the party that brought you that bullshit piece of legislation? (Yes, I understand he is a Freshman Senator, but could still answer with whether or not he agrees with it or not)
I mean he left his weak arguments open for POUNDING, because there are LIMITATIONS to these Amendments/ "Rights", but I am just some idiot from Ohio.
If we pursued all amendments in literal form, then get me a gun because there are many people who are standing in the way of my pursuit of happiness.

I am not a Harvard Law School educated man. Hmm, Republicans love Ted, but hate Obama, who has the same education from the same place and in fact may have done a bit better since he was Law Review head for some time. Kind of weird how Ted has tried to point at Obama and those who get educated by way of loans etc... but pulls up the ladder on everyone behind himself. That is how he made it and he graduated from the hated school of Communist teachings; HARVARD. I wonder why Ted's degree from Harvard makes him a Legal Scholar to some, but Obama having that degree makes him a pinko Commie who hates whitey? I don't get how Ted knows everything and performed such a wonderful attack, but when another legal scholar pulls out the legal facts, the other side screams and cries that we have nothing but some Muslim in the White House trying to sell us to the nearest Communist nation because he hates Israel (who just awarded him btw) and wants Capitalism to fail so he can personally spoon feed all poor people out of the skulls of the rich. Something just doesn't wash there.

DAYS OF CONFUSION... BLAH!!!

How does life work? Why does life go the way it does? Is change a wonderful thing awaiting my attendance, or is it a time I will regret forever? When is it exactly that we become "in control" of our lives? I remember being a young child and just foaming at the mouth about being an adult... Then I would make MY own decisions. Now it is almost as though I have come full circle in life. Should my decisions be about me? Should I only consider my selfish wants at 43 after having several life altering events occur in the last few years? Questions are interesting. They make you think, but they also can make you think too much. Can you truly say you answer from a place of total objectiveness, or will you always put your own feelings in at some point and skew your results? Does life ever get easy? If it does, when would that be and what exactly is the issue that stops mine from being so? In my selfishness, I feel as though those who follow me are suffering and starting to lose faith in whether or not my word is good. I feel dirty. I feel wonderful. I don't really know what I feel. I am a man, I am a man, however, I am feeling like I an an ant. Mine is to serve the hill. I continue to hope my mind muddles through, and I hope it hurries. I am tired of making others wait on my scared behaviors. I am going to continue to post, and start again with more political and religious shit in the next few weeks. I have a few new ones I would love help with...lol

Rush has a wonderful lyric from a song called "Freewill" I have ALWAYS remembered and tried to follow, it goes:
"You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice.
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill;
I will choose a path that's clear
I will choose freewill."

HELP... I really need to be reminded to follow those words.